Emptiness then Life

It is interesting to me to see how God leads or lets us come to the end of ourselves. What is interesting to me is that He knows who needs a push or who needs to be allowed to dig themselves into a hole. Sooner or later we all have to come to the end of self. By that I mean, a complete surrender to God. If we are His, we will come to that point. For it is when we surrender we realize life without Him is empty and that in Him we are truly alive.

Oddly enough, sometimes we don’t realize we are not really living. When I look back in my life though, it felt the opposite. I felt I was constantly waiting to start living. I began feeling that way when I was done with college. For one reason or another I was not able to start off a career. My friends began their careers, then getting married, and then after a few years started having children and there I was still “stuck” or “waiting”. “Waiting for what?” you might ask. Well, for the life I had envisioned. Yet it never came.

It is no complaint, I’ve come to embrace the life God had envisioned for me and I am enjoying living it out. As I mentioned on a previous post, with my mom’s illness many drastic changes came into my life. Yet even losing her did not bring me to the end of myself. It was one of the major factors that got me going and its repercussions were probably the beginning of it all.

During the short months I cared for my mom, I begun feeling like I had no life. Yes, I had selfish thoughts…no shocker actually. I’ve learned that you don’t know how selfish you are until you have to be really selfless. Anyway, I was struggling with these thoughts of loosing myself in caring for my mom, and it was during worship on a Sunday service, that God brought to mind the following scripture:

If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God.  Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth.  For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.   When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.

Colssians 3:2-4

What stood out to me was that I was dead and hidden in Christ. Now if you’re dead, you don’t have a say or a life of your own. God gently reminded me that I was His, that I had died to myself when He became my Lord and Savior. But not only that, He also reminded me that HE was my life. It is not the dying to yourself that is the focus, it is that when you do die to yourself, then He is your life.

Some could argue that their lives are way better than surrendering it to God. It definitely does not sound very convenient or exciting, but I venture to say that is because we have not truly come to know Jesus Christ in all His glory. To be honest, I think I’ve only gotten a glimpse, yet it was more than enough for me to lay it all down. It is still enough.

A few years after my mom’s passing. I begun having a life of my own, even if short-lived. I was finally pursuing my career, and was finally in a relationship. I thought I was in heaven. It all seemed like it was working out. Silly as it sounds I thought God was finally recompensing me for my patience and “obedience”. Little did I know, it was all a mirage.

A few months into the relationship, it ended. It really devastated me. Would never wish it on anybody. But then again, maybe we all do get our hearts broken, as a friend once said. The same week of my breakup, my dad had a very bad accident. Up to now we don’t really know what happened, but it would seem he was run over while riding his bicycle. He was in the hospital for about a week. I was out of town, so I had to rush back and take care of him and my brother. I am so grateful God touched hearts of family and friends whom provided the help I needed to take on the new responsibilities.

About a year later I was offered a position in an organization that was home to me. I was not able to pursue it, unfortunately. Soon after, I was not going to be able to visit my previous church family nor my dearest friends, whom had been a means of keeping me “above water” emotionally and spiritually for the last couple of years. This was the last straw, this was when I really felt God had pulled the rug under me. It felt like God kept saying no to each and every dream I had. First, no to marriage, then no to going back to what I considered home, and then no to having any fellowship with my closest and dearest life-long friends.

My reaction was to purposely stop dreaming or wanting anything. I figured I’d just live. It was not long when I realized that is no way to live. It felt empty, hallow, and worthless. You could say, I could strive to advance my career, but what for? No one to share it with, nothing to work towards…empty and meaningless. It was then, I reached the end myself. I was desperate to get away and have time to clear my head, to allow God to heal my shuttered heart.

In God’s provision and sovereignty He made it possible for me to leave and go on a short sabbatical to Israel. I left originally for almost 3 months, but God extended it another 3 months. The purpose of my sabbatical was to rest, heal, and seek God’s direction for my life. I remember praying, God take away any dream or desire that you don’t have for my life and give me your dreams.

My life was transformed during my time in Israel. I didn’t know how physically tired I was, till I got there. As mentioned in other posts, God revealed where I had disobeyed Him, and He began healing my heart and putting me back together. I learned so much. I experienced so much of Him and His goodness. By the time I was to return, I was refreshed, healed, and even though I didn’t know what I was going to do with my life God had taught me to be led by Him day to day. If you’re a planner, you know how that is not our idea of fun. (chuckle)

Looking back to that point in my life where I felt empty, that was the catalyst that God used to bring me to life. I don’t have anything of value, but boy! do I have beautiful treasures in the lessons I’ve learned and the experiences God has given me. One of which is to be working where I am. It is a huge blessing to be here. I’m in awe of how God brought it about. Life with Him is truly an adventure. A life laid down is a life lived at its maximum.  So don’t hold back or too tight to what you envisioned or dreamed for yourself.  Keep it all with open hands and be willing to give them up if God asks you to, because He will give you a more glorious dream you never thought possible.