My ongoing lesson

Last night as I was trying to sleep little E (a baby girl I’m caring for), I put some music on YouTube and a song that I had sung almost daily for weeks, came on and reminded of that time. It was just right after a heartbreak and various disappointments, which were the catalyst for my re-evaluation of my life. My car had been in a crash so I was having to use public transportation to go to work. Just to paint the picture, my drive took me about 25 minutes. So you can just imagine how long the commute turned once I had to use public transportation. Not to mention the lack of comfort buses in Mexico have. Needless to say, I had much time to think, listen, and reflect.

During this time I bumped into this song, Lay it down, with Jaci Velasquez. And it really connected with me. It put into words where I was. I was disappointed, disillusioned, angry, heartbroken, and confused. Reflecting back, God had really laid down good and strong foundations in my heart for such a time. Because even though I was struggling to make sense of the pain and hurt, I knew who my God was. And I just kept asking him to help me reconcile the truth of who He is and His love for me and the hurt I felt. So this song really expressed this struggle.

” I’ve been lookin’ till my eyes are tired of lookin’
Listenin’ till my ears are numb from listenin’
Prayin’ till my knees are sore from kneelin’ on the bedroom floor
I know that you know that my heart is achin’
I’m running out of tears and my will is breakin’
I don’t think that I can carry the burden of it anymore
All of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans,
Are slowly slippin’ through my folded hands

So I’m gonna lay it down
I’m gonna learn to trust You now
What else can I do
Everything I am depends on You
And if the sun don’t come back up
I know Your love will be enough
I’m gonna let it be, I’m gonna let it go,
I’m gonna lay it down.

I’ve been walkin’ through this world like I’m barely livin’
Buried in the doubt of this hole I’ve been diggin’
But You’re pullin’ me out
I’m finally breathin’ in the open air
This room may be dark but I’m finally seein’
There’s a new ray of hope, and now I’m believin’
That the past is past, and the future’s beginning to look brighter now
Oh, cause all of my hopes and my dreams and my best laid plans
Are safe and secure when I place them in Your hands

Currently I have family members who are in hard struggle in trying to reconcile the truth of God’s love for them and the harsh reality they are facing. That may be you too. That was me. Laying it down, sounds easy doesn’t it? Yet, it has been hardest thing for me to learn because it has to do with trust. It relies on how much you really do trust God. And how much you trust God is dependent on how much you really know God.

As I am writing, I am reminded of Jesus at the garden of Gethsemane. He faced that struggle. Knowing what lay ahead, he also struggled to lay it down, and He was not just laying a dream/situation down, He was about to be a sacrifice for you and I. He was about to be offended, betrayed, tortured, killed and even worse, he was to bare the wrath of God upon himself as He took our sin so that you and I would be forgiven and justified. Yet because He knew the Father, He trusted Him enough to say, “Your will be done”. What I think kept him completely surrendered and obedient all the way to the cross, was His trust in the Father and His love for the Father.

How much do you know your Heavenly Father? How much do you personally know Jesus? Do you really trust Him? Are you willing to take Him at His Word? We all have to come that point in which we must decide whether we really trust Him or not. Oh, I pray that you would have the determination to cling to Him, and if you are so tired, weak, and feel can’t do it, won’t you cry out to Jesus and ask Him to cling to you? To tell you the truth, I think it is Jesus who holds on to us more than we do to Him. There is freedom in coming to Him as you are, my friend, he will not leave you the same. The situation or circumstances may remain or even get worse, yet you will know your God in a new and glorious way.

“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good;  his love endures forever. ” Psalms 107:1