The need of dying

I am aware of the title being quite odd, may even make you uncomfortable. Hopefully I won’t drag on, but I do want to share the types of death I have experienced. One type of death, is dying to our own desires, dreams, and wills. This kind of death, seems to be ongoing sometimes. I remember some 10 years ago, a friend expressed how she felt she was continually dying to something. I understood what she meant. I had experienced it too. Not too long before that, I had gone to a birthday party of a friend’s daughter. Somehow as I sat there, the desire to be a mom surfaced. And the thought that I may never get to have a daughter tormented me. I remember driving back home crying and making making myself face that reality. You might think I am a pessimist and that I should have told myself that there is hope. But what about if it is not in God’s plans for me?

Let me be clear, God is good and He loves us and He will provide and give us good gifts. That is what His word says and He is faithful so He will give us the best. That said, I think it is us that have to lay down what we think we want or need and trust our loving Father for what He has for us. In order for me to come to terms with the possibility that I may never have a child, or a husband, or the type of life I dreamt or imagined I have to die to those dreams.

I am not against having dreams or longing for things that are good. The problem is when those dreams become our drive and we long for that more than we long for our Savior. A quick test to see if they are more important to you than God is your willingness to lay them down. Would you be okay if they don’t come true? If you feel like you want to grip your dream/desire, it is time to die to it. It has become an idol. I am reminded of Abraham, how after so many years of waiting on God’s promise of having a son from Sarah, God asks him to sacrifice Isaac. We may not react as we should since most of us have probably heard the story and we know how it ends. But Abraham did not know the end.

I can just imagine the struggle in his heart to try and make sense of this request. Yet, he obeyed. He surrendered his most valuable treasure. What he had longed for so long. He was willing to do what many of us would say is unthinkable. I love Abraham’s response to Isaac, when he asks him about the missing sacrifice….”God will provide”. After all Abraham had gone through, he had come to know the living God and he was willing to give God his son whom he loved.

The great thing is that we don’t have to do it alone. We can always, and should for that matter, turn to our Savior and ask him to help us surrender to Him. If it is an idol, to help us break it and remove it from our hearts. Be aware, this might be an ongoing process. At least it has been for me on certain things.

In a couple of weeks, I will also remember the other type of death we are most uncomfortable talking about. It’ll be six years since my mom died. As I am writing I look at the Christmas tree and remember her. I think she would have loved the job the kids did in decorating it. Gosh, I think she would have been overflowing with joy. I can practically see her! I won’t get into whether she can see me from where she is now, but I do know she is with her Savior and there is no better place.

It amazes me to see, even if it is in retrospect, how God prepares us for what is ahead. A few years before my mom got diagnosed with ALS, Amyotrophic Lateral Sclerosis, the mom of a close friend died. I remember driving to the funeral and in an attempt to be more sympathetic to my friend I tried to imagine myself in her shoes. I am not exaggerating when I say that I felt like I would go crazy. A year or two after that, I began reading a lot about Heaven. Soon after my mom got the diagnosis. As we all tend to do nowadays, I searched the internet and read up on the disease. Life expectancy 2-5 years. It was one of my darkest nights. I remember being home alone and on my bedroom floor crying out to God. Partly, complaining thinking she would never get to meet my children. And while I was thinking on that, God put a thought in my mind. She might not meet them here, but she will enjoy them in all eternity.

Somehow that thought comforted me and encouraged me to look beyond what our eyes can see. God had prepared my heart and given me an awareness of heaven I had not had in order to be able to face what was ahead. A few years before this, my mom had been traveling back and forth caring for my brother. So every time she was in town, I would find myself postponing everything and rearranging my schedule to be with her. I remember always telling myself, this time I won’t let it happen. But as soon as she arrived, I’d get vacuumed into doing things with her or just wanting to be home with her. How grateful I am to God for that. It has been a comfort to know that I fully enjoyed her.

Back then I thought it was lack of discipline, I now see that it was God bending my will to do something that would bless me not only at that time but in the future. Surrendering is easier when we realize what a wonderful, generous, and loving Father we have. When the day came to bury my mom, God held me through it all. I did not go crazy, in fact, there was peace in my heart. Believe me, it was not lack of love or dedication. I love my mother and miss her dearly but it was God’s sustaining love that prepared me for such a loss and has continued to comfort me.

Only when we know Christ, can we find life after death. Death and dying to self brings us closer to the source of life, Jesus Christ. I rejoice that my mom is now with her Beloved Savior. As I continually get to die to things that are taking my longing for my Savior I shall look to Him and remind myself that He is so much more than I could ever want or need.